The title will have to wait

I have a weird kind of writing style whereby I usually sit and come up with a title for what I'm going to write before I get into it. For this one, the title will have to wait until I've written down the content because this one is too personal - this is about communication with a loved one when they are dying.

I'm not an expert on this by any means - no more than anyone who has lost a loved one and can relate to the experience. Sometimes we hear people say that they wish they had told someone who has passed on what they meant to them, how much they loved them. I feel so blessed that I don't have that regret with my mom.

Mom passed away 15 years ago on July 25. I can't believe that she has been gone that long because in so many ways it seems like she was just here. That's probably because she is here all the time in my heart. One thing I definitely shared with my mom was good communication. I know that she knew how much I loved her and admired her. Simply because I told her. And she told me how much she loved me and what she was proud of about me.

Sometimes I'll forget about those conversations but all I have to do is transport myself back in my memories to a time when we were sitting in her living room on either end of the sofa, each reading a book and enjoying the quiet. Those were the times we had our best conversations, between chapters, we would lift our heads and talk. Just talk. About anything and everything - I never felt like a topic was taboo with my mom. She worried for me because I would get my feelings hurt so easily - maybe I've toughened up since then so she doesn't have to worry so much about me now, where she is.

Having regrets after someone dies that you never communicated with them well enough about your feelings is not a regret you have to have. There are so many ways to tell someone you love them even without words. A regular phone call to chat. A quick visit to help with some chores. A birthday or mother's/father's day card. But if you're really lucky, like me, you'll have memories of good, lengthy and sometimes very thought-provoking conversations with your mom or dad. Those are the memories that you can cherish even 15 years and longer after they are gone.

Too Much Information

I admit I am guilty of tuning out - tuning out the news that is. In recent weeks there has been repeated stories in the newspaper and television news about a dog neglect situation near Winnipeg. You would think that as a communicator and news junkie that I would want to hear all about it and have my two cents put in. But no - I simply cannot handle hearing about someone neglecting animals, especially dogs, but any animals in any way. The fact that this is to such a horrific degree as to be 'news worthy' just turns my stomach. Literally, I change the channel, skip the page and have not informed myself about the situation at all. Forgive me for not being a better advocate for animals.

A strong advocate would learn everything and be vocal about change, about legislation, about penalties. A strong advocate would offer to take some of those poor, neglected dogs into their own homes and nurse them back to health and a long and happy life in a loving home.

I'm not that strong advocate but boy do I ever admire the people who are. For me, it hurts, physically, to see that kind of neglect and pain heaped on defenceless animals. All I can do is cuddle my Cleo and promise her she will never, ever be subjected to that kind of cruelty or abuse at my hands. But thank you to those advocates who do take care of the neglected and abused - in my books - you are akin to Saints.

To email or not to email

So often it is easier for people who are very computer literate and accustomed to talking by keyboard to send an email rather than have a face to face meeting. Especially if the topic under discussion could present some form of conflict, minor or otherwise. Probably the best way to handle a situation like this is just to suck it up and go talk to the other person and you'll discover that it wasn't such a big deal after all. We human beings are very good at imagining the boogy man is much bigger than it is.

But there are those times when an email is a good way to communicate something - to one or a group of people. Many times I have been on the receiving end of emails that just make me shake my head and wonder if the person who wrote it took the time to self-edit before sending. Pretty sure they didn't. Pretty sure I have to constantly remind myself to do this too. Once you get typing BAM you can say a lot of things in a few, often insulting, paragraphs. Might not be your intention but there you have it.

When it comes to emails, no matter to whom or about what, always read it before you hit the send button. Check for spelling and punctuation, sure, because your email represents you. However, what is really important is to read it as if you were the receiver. How would you react to what you are saying? Is there a better way to say something so that it doesn't lose the message but doesn't come across as insulting, blaming, uncaring or belligerent? Do you have to use the words "must" or can you change that to read "should consider". Harsh directives by email get an equally harsh reaction so if you can soften it, try to do so.

A Communication Train Wreck

Last night I was riveted to the television watching an hour long interview with Jake and Vienna from last year's Bachelor talk about their break up. In my own defence, there was nothing else to watch and this was such a train wreck, I couldn't seem to stop watching it.

It was just a bad match up from the get go. No, I don't watch Bachelor on a regular basis and didn't watch it last year. But I do often read covers of tabloids when paying for my groceries. It seems obvious to me that if you put two egomaniacs together you're going to have a problem. Big problem.

However, I want to talk about the one communication issue they had that also drives me nuts. Throughout the interview Vienna basically didn't want to let Jake have a word in edgewise - and when she did stop talking long enough for him to make a comment, she interrupted him or talked over him to make her point or disagree with him. SO MANY PEOPLE do this. In this case it was a big red flag for a crumbling relationship but what about when it happens to you in the work place? Your ability to communicate your thoughts or ideas are seriously hindered when someone with interuptitis is in the room.

For someone with interuptitis, the most important sound is their own voice. Nobody has anything as important to say as they do and they'll make sure you get so frustrated you just give up. I've tried meeting these people head on with the same tactic Jake tried last night "Will you please stop interrupting me?" Which they do until you open your mouth again. Then you just scream in frustration or stomp off in anger.

The reality is - they don't hear you when you talk anyway. You can't force them to listen to you - any time they pause they are thinking about what they are going to say next, not what you are saying now. And I don't really think there is a solution to fix these people - but you can make sure you aren't one yourself. Remember from a previous post - listening is the most important part of a conversation. Be a good listener. Speak softly, it forces other people to pay closer attention. Save your comments for really important observations, and people will start to anticipate your wisdom and let you talk. And if possible, stop inviting Interuptitis to your important meetings.